One in a million

把那些回憶刪掉, 沒有後悔,

但心有點痛, 像是被挖空了一塊。

I feel so beloved when I talk to someone who care to listen.

I feel so beloved when I listen to someone who is willing to share.

I feel so beloved because I know they want me to be happy.

I feel so beloved because there is someone who cares about me.

I feel so warm. Your love makes me smile! :-D

其實, 我有時覺得, 係唔係自己太蠢? 定係我同人地ge價值觀真係咁唔同?

補習, 人地收$150一粒鐘, 我最多果個都係收$130…

唔係話自己收得低, 但係點解d人可以收得咁高?

乜原來我地補習真係出左咁多effort架咩? 原來我地ge knowledge係值咁多錢架?

番intern, 個個人第一句就問:「幾錢?」

下, 原來錢真係咁重要架? 好pay就當然好, 但我以為拎experience先係最重要喎

我仲以為冇經驗, bargaining power會少左tim!

究竟係因為我唔夠好所以d人唔出咁多錢, 定係d人overestimate左自己ge value呢?

Excited about wt's gonna happen. :-)

其實得閒整下呢d小手工都幾開心。:-)

終於捱完一個星期... 其實個camp都幾辛苦

1. 要重新認識一大班人

2. difficult british accent

3. 天氣熱+勁曬

4. 主辦單位有少少無能

5. 越黎越清楚自己唔係教書ge料子

6. 每朝都要勁早起身

話說我番第一日, 係british council上teaching training, 腦入面突然冒出quit camp ge衝動

不停諗 "點解要攬s上身??? 點解要咁對自己???"

星期6 crossroads last day, 其實星期日就已經好掛住global handicrafts ge同事!!

星期一中午都忍唔住打電話比一個同期intern ge女仔 - louisa訴苦:'-(

星期3開始適應, 星期4同5 ge trial camp都尚算順利, 無事終了!!希望黎緊5個星期都係!!

星期6去完大圍補習, 下午想番crossroads farewell louisa, 順便帶班uk teachers去黃金海岸

歸心似箭, 放低佢地係沙灘唔夠10分鐘就走左, 4:30左右番到crossroads~:-)

一入到shop, 見到louisa同sally(my supervisor), 真係好開心!!!

勁傾計, 勁笑.... 明明之前都冇咁多野講... 又幫下手咁, 時間過得好快!!! XDDDD

6點幾Josh(另一個supervisor)放左工又入左黎shop, 又傾下計同笑下, 真係好好好開心!!!

我真係好中意佢地呀... 返到黎shop, 好似返番黎自己個小天地咁!! 好熟悉又好溫馨!!!

果個afternoon簡直幫我洗滌左我呢一個星期心靈ge疲倦!!! freshen up!!! (好似好誇張咁哈哈)

i love global handicrafts!!! 好期待遲d ge dinner同埋(1st & 2nd intake)farewell party!!

下星期6又見另一班long time no see ge friends, 一定又會好開心!!!!:-D

6月最後一日啦。

唉!

I do believe in the comforting power of hugs.

That's a very intimate moment when two people come this close.

I can feel love, sincerity and trust.

Next time when you see me, please give me a hug. :-)

本來要去剪頭髮

結果頭髮沒剪多少, 卻變了顏色, 焗了油

「無啦啦」又花了幾百。唉!

現在的我, 頂著一頭紅髮啊。

啡紅啦!

我是有覺得太紅啦... 快點甩色啦!! 不過, 甩少少好啦...XD

(口語書面語混雜好好玩, 最近不用寫PAPER, 英文用得太少了, 退步了!?>_<)

防曬原來真的很重要= ="

從小開始, 從來都沒有認認真真護過膚

太陽有多大都不會塗防曬, 也不會打傘, 總之就是懶

這一年有了少少當女生的自覺, 偶爾塗塗防曬, 說到底誰不喜歡白白的?

可是恆心不足, 上個夏天曬到領口位置上下兩截色, 手臂更是不用提=_=

中大的太陽還給我的腳背留下一對涼鞋印... 好狠... orz

好吧, 這個夏天勤一點吧! 臉上, 頸, 胸口(會曬到的地方), 手臂都狠狠地塗上防曬才出門

今天穿了短褲出門, 因為很介意小腿粗, 所以走路的時候有往下看了幾下

結果發現我的小腿竟然是兩截色的!!wtf!!!!!! =口=

原因是我有常穿7分褲, 結果小腿下半截都給曬得黃黃黑黑的...omg

看來以後連小腿都要塗防曬了...=_=

Sometimes, I just wish I could disappear and only come back whenever I want.

Or maybe, I have already disappeared.

Because no one ever notices me.

Maybe.

I wish I have never done anything for any of you, so that I would not be now mourning for my disappearance.

"J'ai peint celui que j'ai voulu peindre."

I have painted the one I wanted to paint.

~ Twenties Girl, Sophie Kinsella

Recently, I have just found out that my friends are quite dependent on me. They count on me for so many things: some talk to me about their deepest feelings, some consult me for advice and some expect me to help them with whatever. I am glad that I can have some really close friends. But when I started to think of what my friends have done for me, it seems far lesser.

I know it's not a problem of my friends. It's my problem. I never tell them anything about myself. I always hide my feelings. I even think that they don't know the real me. It's my problem.

There is something I cannot tell anyone, because it is so different from the "I" that I show people. I hate people being sacarstic to me. I am afraid of being judged. I am worried about being rejected. I enjoy privacy but sometimes, I just feel lonely when I dare not to share my thoughts. It's my problem. I am not brave enough to entirely reveal myself to my friends. I am sorry.

This afternoon, I toured Allyson, Alex(Allyson's friend) and Fransico around in Tin Shui Wai. We went to the Ping Shan Heritage Trail because the Wetland Park closes at 5pm. The heritage trail turns out to be a bad choice because there are so many car parks and construction sites around. The place has changed a lot since my last time there. And sooooo embarrassingly, I GOT LOST. I just kept fooling around and finally we finished the walk.

Then, we went to 正記 in Yuen Long for dinner. The dinner was good. We talked a lot. People are funny and easy to talk to. I like hanging out with people and love to be led in a conversation. Anyway, we were so full after the dinner. I would like to have ice-cream for dessert but I know I would throw up if I had one.

I really like being with foreigners. It's different from hanging out with local people. They pay more respects to other people because they know there are cultural differences underlying. They are more open-minded to "new things". They won't pass out their judgement easily and casually. It's more comfortable to be with them, but of course, one has to overcome the problems of language. Still, meeting new people and making friends are more a matter of heart. I am not saying that I am good at making friends with people. But meeting people is certainly a great thing to do.

終於終於，第一次感受到敗犬的孤獨。

雖然未到三十，事業也未成，但看著別人一雙一對地幸福，自己孤單一人，那種灰心的感覺應該都是一樣的。

今晚在北角上完課，聽著mp3，本也感到自在。在巴士站等車，突然看到的一班前宿友，一雙一對拖著手聊著天，很快樂地走過。看到前同房，想到有事交帶，指手劃腳地講完一遍，她卻就這樣走過去。忽然覺得自己很滑稽，好像緊張事情的只有我一個，她忙著跟男朋友去玩，我是在礙事的。後面又是幾對情侶，好不甜蜜，突然其中一個男的大聲地跟我打招呼，雖然我知道他是出於好意，但我不禁感到尷尬。

我站在那邊等巴士，突然有一種「敗犬」的失落。當然，我沒有事業，學業也不見成功，敗犬的光環我還未有資格戴。不過這時的我的確私人補習的工作比較多，也已經找到暫時的暑期工，所以請容許我形容自己為一隻低級的敗犬。事業「有成」好像不見得有多快樂，只是日子過得比較充實，但一閒下來就覺得空虛。那一刻，我突然冒出一個想法：明明我活得那麼努力，為什麼不能像他們一樣快樂？我錯了嗎？

從前的我不認同戀愛的重要，提倡女性自強。男人？算什麼！到了最近發生的一連串的事情，令我慨嘆友誼的脆弱之餘，竟也有幾分憧憬起愛情來。身邊的朋友開始拍拖，明明以前跟我同一陣線，現在卻變成「男友大過天」的小女人。最差的是重色輕友，認識多年，現在每次聊天談論的都不外乎：（一）兩人有多甜蜜，及（二）又吵架了。訴說自己的戀愛史之餘，已不會再去理解作為好朋友的我的需要和意願。聚會嗎？不來了，因為陪男朋友比較重要。更糟糕的是，她說這是human nature，言下之意是不能怪她。啊！原來女性朋友是那麼的不重要。說真的，我為此生了好大的氣，但我又會想：是我佔有慾太強？是我太孩子氣？苦苦思量一番，我還是覺得自己對朋友的要求是合理的。然後，一個問題困擾著我，男人真的那麼重要？

最近看了一套電影，看到了女人的悲哀，女人為了留住身邊的男人，什麼都做，餵自己的孩子飲奶粉，卻讓男人吸啜自己的人奶。為什麼要做到這個地步？到底要多愛一個人才會這樣做？怎樣才是喜歡一個人？為什麼會喜歡一個人？

然後想想一些讓我有過「呢個男人都幾好喎！」的想法的男人，我開始懷疑自己有戀父情結，因為他們都比我年長許多，而且恰巧都是當老師的。對於認真求學的女孩子來說，還有什麼人比學識淵博的老師和教授更吸引？我想，如果我是An Education裡的Jenny，我也會fall for那位見多識廣的情場老千，因為我喜歡受教的感覺，希望我的「他」教會我許多許多，也許是享受生活的方法，也許是一些人生的哲理，也許是他的專業知識，什麼都可以。這樣說來，可能我只是仰慕這些男人，而不是喜歡了。真煩，到底怎樣才是喜歡一個人？我還是不明白為什麼和如何談戀愛。

記得有個女孩子告訴我：「雖然你睇落好似好tough咁，但係我覺得你係果D好需要人愛同關心嘅人黎架～」嗯，我想也是，其實我也喜歡被人take care，只是現實不容許罷了。如果這個世界上，只有我喜歡，兩個人就可以在一起的話，省掉一切明戀暗戀和瞹眛，那該有多好！

唉。說到底，談什麼戀愛？都是孤獨感作崇而已，不過是找個人「攝」時間罷。就像上帝當初創造夏娃，也只是怕阿當一個人會悶慌啊。Relationship？Entertainment才對吧？如果一個人也不會感到孤獨就好了！

鼻涕漚了一整天, 終於病了。昏昏沈沈, 還是上了課, 做了part-time, 去了補習。

結果補習學生說:「姐姐不如你先睡一睡吧, 練習我自己做。」挺窩心的。:-)

發了微微的燒, 縱了自己一晚, readings paper全放著不管, 9點倒頭就睡, 到第二天的6點。

幸好媽媽把我生得強壯, 睡一晚就好得八八九九, 只是鼻涕還是長流, 鼻子都被紙巾磨破。

顧不得揉鼻涕的醜態, 還是上了急救講座, 去了補習, 發現補習學生的媽媽跟我同病相連。

-------------

昨天是CC PHOTO DAY, 因為組媽和莊員畢業, 才去湊湊熱鬧。

天氣酷熱, 更差的是很"焗", 加上人多, 心裡十萬個不爽。

突然覺得, 下年SEM 2去了EXCHANGE, 沒有PHOTO DAY其實是件不錯的事。

反正我沒兒沒女, 雖然喜歡收花可是不喜歡拍照, 還要人迫人, 為做而做, 實在有點難為自己。

看著同學身邊的合照人一個換一個, 我大概又會自憐自己沒有朋友。

何況, 那些跟你根本不熟的人來跟你拍個一兩張照, 真的會快樂一點嗎?

我只想跟身邊最要好的朋友分享「快」畢業的喜悅。

拿著花, 捧著公仔, 還要強笑, 我想我只會覺得煩。

又, 三月是paper的高峰期, 我才興奮不起來。

明明要交的功課未做好, 學分未修完, 畢不畢到業尚是未知之數呢。

也許是因為我不是畢業生, 還未有那種興奮吧。

也許是因為昨天發著燒, 才會感覺那麼差吧。

whatever.

My BUSY BUSY life started yesterday and will persist until the end of March.

So many people to meet,

so much committment to fulfill,

so many papers to write,

so many readings to kill,

so much work to do...

I live a fruitful life which I always ask for.

FIGHTING!!

So busy, but so happy.

For I know, whenever I am down, I will always have someone to turn to.

I love you. My friends.

You never know how delightful a dinner can be.

After a day of hard work, it is so nice to see your friend and discuss what-so-ever.

Dinner dates with friends, are the moments that I treasure most in this boring life.

finalized version! 星期2早上係campus有part-time...:-)

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尋日真係訓到.... 唱完k番到屋企訓左2, 3個鐘

到夜晚10點幾又訓, 訓到今朝11點幾呀!!!!!!

希望allyson講ge, 「訓到瘦」diet有用啦!!哈哈

本身今日約左大學d fd去大澳影相, 但實在太凍+冇太陽, 都係冇去啦

好....繼續清reading...=_=

開SEM, 輕鬆左一排, 又開始忙

PRESENT, PAPER, QUIZ, 私補, 遲D仲有TIC個COURSE...

岩岩果個WEEK已經PRESENT X 1, QUIZ X 1...黎緊放假前PRESENT X 1, PAPER X 1...

2月好似未係好忙住...CNY BREAK一定要勁睇READINGS!!

我的死亡3月........有幾晚7至9PM仲要出到港島上COURSE...哈

今日好成功咁... 上堂冇眼訓!! 由9:30到6:15, 中間梗係有break啦哈哈

一直去到4:30又上o'sullivan... gender & literature~~

d人成日話佢好靚仔勁charm, 我就睇下係唔係真係咁靚仔!!!

ummmmm 係幾順眼ge, 不過係唔係咁靚仔je!? 夠高不過膊頭好似唔係好夠闊喎...

同埋點解今日睇佢d頭髮好似好少咁ge= =?

然後就覺得, 其實佢真係唔算勁勁靚仔, 所以我唔可以人云亦云話佢好靚仔。

點知落左堂, 走ge時候, 搭lift竟然同lift, 基於禮貌都要同佢say個hello...

(因為上個sem 我跟佢tuto!! 佢認得我...orz)

然後就傾左幾句啦... 講下今個sem take咩course, 而家讀緊張愛玲咁....

唔知係角度定燈光問題, 定係佢唔係上緊堂冇咁木獨定點... 佢微笑個樣果下真係charm到死左

好似睇緊漫畫咁, 成個畫面濛左... 好靚仔呀.................

跟住我就勁緊張, 勁講錯野...grammar冇晒!!! 結果我番屋企成程車都好滿足....!! :-3

雖然佢教書麻麻地, 又abuse左d powerpoint... 不過真係好charm呀!!! 哈哈哈